I had given my best.
I should not have been bound by the flaxen cords* of an adversary.
So I was told, such was I taught.
Far from perfect, I had given the best of what I had to offer. Was not the atonement there to take care of the rest?
So I trusted what I was told. I did what was taught.
The plan was set forth with promised happiness to be found. You must lose yourself to find yourself, a better self, a selfless self… to qualify as a godly self.
With eternity at stake and a line that must not be broken, my journey began down the path of covenants with the only consent that a mere child can give.
As I labored down that path laden with the expectations of generations past and future; there was no room for my own. With eternity on the line, to carry one’s own expectations would just be selfish. There is no time for your own needs in this life, no room for desires when there is so much work to be done and the salvation of so many others at stake.
Line upon line was placed upon my body and soul as precept upon precept was laid across my heart and mind.
Deny thyself.
My natural self was the enemy. My thoughts could not be trusted. Any deviation from their straight or their narrow was bound towards unhappiness and woe. And so my inner voice was unknowingly stifled as their voice replaced my own. My true self smothered under their weight and bound by their god’s expectations in order to protect me from some enigmatic adversary intent on dragging me down to the gulf of misery.
Yet, I was already miserable.
Where had I gone wrong? The fault could only be my own. Had I not done enough? I had done my best, yet my best always fell short.
What kind of plan was this? Of happiness, this was not.
Questions from some inner voice continued to come, temptations of a supposed adversary that were pushed down as quickly as they came. Always pushing down the questions welling up inside in order to continue down the path for the line that must not be broken.
With perfection ever out of reach and their expectations driving ever forward, endlessly searching, ever yearning for the promises never fulfilled. My desire was the happiness that was promised, the joy, the peace. Yet, their promised peace didn’t come, their joy was nowhere to be found; there was no room when I was already full from their guilt and drowning in their shame.
And so with a shoulder to the wheel, I kept pressing forward, obedient to the things I had been taught.
Until the day I could carry no more… and I broke with a silent thunder that echoed down into the depths of my very soul.
As the pieces of my life shattered, they fell away as so many of the tears that had been shed before. Through the cracks of my soul came the questions I had pushed down and long avoided. The questions spoke not as the evil whisperings of an adversary, but with a quiet desperation that came from deep within my very core.
I had done all that I could, except to listen… to listen to the source within.
As I began to listen, I began to see.
Line upon line… I had been burdened.
Line upon flaxen line, I was bound; shackled to a weight subtly crushing me until my inner truth was nearly extinguished.
Flaxen cords that bound my mind, my critical thinking stifled under a blanket of blind faith.
Flaxen cords that bound my body, shackling it with a deepening shame that I could not be trusted with myself.
Flaxen cords that blinded me to honesty and truth, to light that was avoided and could not be seen.
Flaxen cords that bound my integrity to someone else’s prejudices.
Flaxen cords that bound my spirit, my spiritual growth stunted in a cage of dogmatic conformity.
Flaxen cords that bound me to an endless demand for the sacrifice of now for an unknowable eternity hereafter.
Flaxen chords that I now could see, that all traced back, not to the Adversary I was taught to fear, but to the clutching hands of the very church that taught me to fear, to doubt, and to sacrifice myself.
Coerced into covenants that I could not know; I was required to obey all I was commanded, to sacrifice all I possessed, to lay down my own life if necessary.
The selflessness required resulted in just less self, less of who I was. Bit by bit I was eroded by guilt and shame in order to conform to a mold that was not me; a shape that I never could be.
It was not the shape that Creation had made in me.
Through the cracks in my soul I did not find the anguish of outer darkness I was taught to fear, instead, I found the peace of an inner light that began to glow. The more I listened, the more the light within grew, the more I could see the cords that confined me, and understand the source from whence they came.
A sublime stillness settled over me as I made space for what the source inside yearned to say.
In the stillness, I just listened.
I made space for the heartache, and listened.
I made space for the anger, and listened.
I made space for the pain, and listened.
Listening with no judgement, no reservation, I was taught anew.
I accepted what my soul had been trying to tell me for so long and understood the truth that could no longer be confined nor be avoided. The more I listened the more the light within grew. That divine light within that had been diminished, nearly extinguished, surged with a renewed strength and the cords began to burn.
Having learned what needed to be taught the heartache, anger, and pain silently stepped away to make space for a profound sense of hope that I had never experienced in my life. I felt as though I was meeting myself, the true self that Creation had made in me, for the first time.
The light within continued to grow and the cords began to burn away.
As the cords fell my soul stirred, stretched, and grew. I saw the world anew. What once was lone and dreary, filled with mists of darkness, full of danger and fear, was forever changed. The darkness faded before the light. No longer grey, the world became colorfully vibrant and full of life.
Now that the path I had been traveling was no longer shrouded it became clear that the yoke was not easy, nor was the burden light, with no rest unto my soul. This path lined with iron and paved with coerced covenants was not destined for happiness, let alone growth. Blind obedience to a path of dogmatic conformity is not a life lived, but a life sacrificed. But the benefit from my sacrifice was not my own.
If not for my benefit, then for who?
My way forward was clear. My path must be my own. It became a matter of my life or a slow death, of growth or decay. All I had to do was to step off of their path to step onto my own. Just one simple step.
I tried to take a step, but I couldn’t.
I was so tired of the heartache, anger, and shame. I am worth more than the value they placed on me. I no longer accepted their claim on my life.
Stepping away should be easy, but it wasn’t.
Still restrained, looking at the remnants of the cords that had burned away, the flaxen prison was nothing but ashes scattered all around me. Again, I tried to take a step, and still, I couldn’t.
I felt trapped. A sense of dread began to settle in. The hope that I would on some day in some way find their promised peace had carried me this far, but now I knew that specific hope would never return. Their plan of happiness could never be fulfilled. I was trapped.
Sifting through the ashes, amidst the debris, I found a handful of chords that still remained. These cords did not bind me as the others but they still confined me. Following the cords, I found where they led.
Clutched in my hand. Held tight to my chest.
Next to my heart.
Slowly, excruciatingly, I pulled the last few cords away from my heart. Stinging as they peeled away, they left my heart feeling raw and exposed.
thump-thump… a tentative beat anew.
thump-THUMP… a tender beat revived.
THUMP-THUMP… a rhythm renewed within, with a beat distinctly my own.
I took one last look at the final flaxen cords grasped in my hand — and let them go. In that moment of release, I felt a love and a peace greater than I had ever known. A profound love for life and for everyone in it. A love now unrestrained.
These were the things that were sought for so long. The light, the peace, the love they promised, but were never theirs to give, and never could they deliver. The rewards of fruitless diligence that that would never come, could only be found after letting go.
With no more claim on my life nor my heart, my path could no longer be denied.
The last cords found their final rest as they fell away and struck the ground.
No longer tethered, my soul lifted.
And my soul soared.
* Flaxen cords is a concept with Mormon culture based on a reference in the Book of Mormon.
2 Nephi 26:22
"And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever."
This verse is used in lessons to teach complete obedience to church teachings and the consequences for the failure to do so.
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